My client AL’s father lived in a memory care community. It was a decision made in his best interest by her entire family.
Still, AL struggled with guilt. Her mother had died at home, with her. It seemed unfair her father couldn’t do the same.
But he had dementia. And he was a large man with a rebellious streak and a wandering nature.
She was a self-supporting single woman. She couldn’t quit her job to monitor him 24/7. She couldn’t afford in-home help.
She simply couldn’t care for him at home.
“So, tell me,” I asked.
“What can you do?”
"When a client truly connects with her values, it brings a sense of liberation and expansiveness; she realizes that even in desperate situations she has choices, that she can open up her life and take it in meaningful directions." – Russ Harris, ACT Made Simple
Eldercare is so overwhelming. If you focus on all the things you can’t do, you’ll quickly put yourself in a dark corner of despair.
One way out of that corner?
Do something that aligns with your core values.
In his book ACT Made Simple, therapist Russ Harris defines core values as “our hearts deepest desires for how we want to behave.” How you want to show up for others. What you want people to remember about you when you’re gone.
Remember, your core values are supposed to guide your behavior in your desired direction. They’re not commandments that add to your guilt.
And don’t mistake them for the cultural and social values that seem to overtake the lives of family caregivers.
Social values are “shoulds.” They feel like backpacks full of bricks, weighing down all enthusiasm for life.
Core values are what you get to do. When you live them, your heart opens.
Living Core Values
AL had identified her core values early in our coaching relationship. She valued giving people her attention. She liked making people feel hopeful and optimistic in difficult circumstances. She wanted to be known as someone others could count on.
She understood exactly what I was asking:
“What do you get to do, now that he is under the care of skilled caregivers?”
She got to spend relaxed quality time with him. He smiled when he saw her, recognizing her as “one of his own.”
And she got to take care of him in ways that came directly from her core values.
She was the family point person when facility staffers needed family involvement. She checked in with his other regular visitors, like his priest, to get their read on his well-being and care.
She sent updates to her siblings about his health.
And, now that pros were in charge of his safety, there were a lot of things she could stop doing.
She could stop playing parent, telling him “no” to his dangerous behavior. She could stop worrying about him escaping from her house. She no longer had to constantly keep her doors locked and her guard up.
As she listed these things, her mood shifted.
She pulled herself out of her dark corner.
Re-Connect You With Your LIfe
“I want my life back.”
I can’t count how many times I’ve heard caregivers say that.
Including me.
And I know exactly what it means. It means you want the freedom to go back to pursuing your life goals. Planning your future. Engaging in your favorite past times.
Yet eldercare can put those things so far on the back burner, they don’t even seem to be on the stove anymore.
"Be faithful in small things, because it is in them that your strength lies." – Mother Teresa
But your core values are also a big part of your life. And you can always find small ways to live them daily. Even during those hardest times of companioning your loved one through end of life.
Re-connecting with your life can be as easy as remembering, very clearly, why you’re doing what you do.
To bring your own core values to front of mind, finish these three statements:
- I like to connect to others by…
- I show I care by…
- I want to contribute by…
Write the statements and keep them where you can see them every morning. Read them and ask, “I wonder how I can connect, care, and contribute today?”
Just pose the question and go about your business. Your mind will start searching for an answer.
And have faith.
Life will soon surprise you with the perfect opportunity.
Resource: ACT Made Simple (2nd edition) by Russ Harris. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, 2019.
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